“Loot!” Part One

Time for something a little different. Trying something experimental for the latest Patreon podcast, I thought I’d turn my hand at a little scripting. What resulted was a ten-minute sketch about the aftermath of an adventuring party slaying a dragon. Here’s the first half of the script, check back next week for the second half.


By Rob Edwards

Scene One: Death of a Legend

TUOMO: Is— Is it dead?
BRADDOX: It had bloody well better be, Tuomo. Can someone find a stick or something to lever its head off my legs? Abner get over here and use that staff of yours for something useful.
ABNER: You would do well to consider your words more wisely, Braddox. The power of the Staff of Tumult is not to be mocked. Had it not chosen to protect us, aye, even you, warrior, when the battle commenced—
HILVI: We would all be charcoal. We understand, Abner.
ABNER: Well! I would have thought better of you, Hilvi. A man of the cloth should respect his elders.
TUOMO: But, we did it? We killed a dragon?
BRADDOX: It was no match for my axe, Flamedrinker.
HILVI: Guided by the blessings of our Lady Gloridia, may her eternal light illuminate all we do.
ABNER: And, need I remind you, shielded by the Staff of Tumult.
BRADDOX: You needn’t remind us, and yet you’ve done it twice.
TUOMO: I should probably name my weapons too.
HILVI: Hold still, Braddox, with the might of the Lady Gloridia coursing through me, I will have you free in [STRAINED] no time. Tuomo, might you, perhaps, get underneath and give it a boost. And Abner…?
ABNER: Yet again, I must save you all from follies of your own making.
HILVI: Heave!
BRADDOX: That’s it. I think I can wriggle free. Uff! That’s better. This dragon-bed of coins and treasure may look impressive, but I don’t think I could sleep on it. I’ve a silver shilling jammed up my—
TUOMO: Treasure! Oh yes! I suppose we can take some? I mean we killed the dragon and all, that’s how it works, isn’t it?
BRADDOX: To the victor the spoils, shorty.
HILVI: With a suitable tithe to the church of our Lady Gloridia, naturally. The prayer sofas in the Dawn Room need reupholstering again.
ABNER: And I must purchase rare and expensive ingredients of alchemical science to prepare a tincture to restore energy to my Staff.
BRADDOX: Aye, there’s a bevy of professional ladies in Twinbridge who do the same for me. Tinctures cost extra.
TUOMO: And I promised my brother I’d invest in his pub. We all need the money. But how do we share it?
ABNER: An apposite question. It takes not a man of my learning to see that we cannot simply carry it all away. We must choose well what we claim, for we will not get this chance again. When word spreads of our victory here today—
BRADDOX: And it will! (I talk in my sleep).
ABNER: – scavengers will quickly claim what we have not.
TUOMO: I suppose we start sifting then. Set aside the copper bits, take only shillings and crowns.
HILVI: And bring any jewellery you find to me. My Lady Gloridia has blessed me with a jeweller’s eye, and a magnifying glass. I should be able to judge what is worth our time.
BRADDOX: And what is not ‘worth’ bothering with? Maybe just a shiny for you to give to an orphan? Hah. Bring it to BOTH of us to look at.
TUOMO: We can trust Hilvi, surely? He’s a priest.
BRADDOX: Let me see how far I can throw him, then I’ll let you know how much I trust him.
TUOMO: I don’t understand.
HILVI: Don’t let it disturb you, young Tuomo. The Lady Gloridia forgives his suspicions and his insults. I don’t, not necessarily, but the Lady Gloridia does.
ABNER: Silence!
BRADDOX: What do you want?
ABNER: My worst fears are confirmed. We must tread warily, for legends say that dragon gold is cursed. Those who seek it out may become consumed by the need of it. This magical compulsion can set brother upon brother, shatter friendships, burst fellowships asunder!
TUOMO: Gosh.
ABNER: Fortunately, I have studied the curse’s effects, and believe I know how we may protect ourselves from it.
TUOMO: How, Abner? Tell us.
ABNER: With my arcane training, I believe I can resist the curse long enough… so if I take the gold and you guys the silver? Okay?
TUOMO: What?
HILVI: We’re not falling for that.
ABNER: Well it was worth a go.
BRADDOX: Just for that, you can start over at the back end of the dragon corpse. I’ll sift near the head. Tuomo, Hilvi, take a wing each.
TUOMO: Okay!

Check back next week for part two!

If you’d like to hear my one-man staging of Loot!, join my Patreon at http://www.patreon.com/storycastrob and get access to bonus podcasts, a free annual ebook, and autographed copies of my books.

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