“Loot!” Part Two

Last week I introduced you to a short fantasy comedy sketch I wrote and recorded for my Patreon subscribers. Today we are going to finish off with, traditionally, part two. However, to make sure that my Patrons are still getting added value, this version skips over a subplot where Tuomo finds a magic ring and sings a song about it. For that, you’ll need to sub!

If you’ve not seen it yet, check out Part One, and then, on with the tale!

Scene Two: It’s just not my bag

ABNER: Well there we have it. It’s taken six hours, but we finally have the treasure sorted.
HILVI: We know how long it took, we were here.
ABNER: Harumph. Final tally, according to Hilvi, and checked by Braddox—
BRADDOX: You’re welcome.
ABNER: – is significant. Gemstones worth an estimated three thousand golden crowns. Around fifteen thousand crowns worth of transportable jewellery, trinkets and other artwork. And then there’s coins. Many, many coins. Even after we buried the dragon respectfully under all the copper bits, (thank you so much for that suggestion Hilvi)—
HILVI: It was the will of Lady Gloridia.
ABNER: – we have sixty thousand shillings and around seventeen thousand crowns.
TUOMO: [Awestruck] We’re rich.
ABNER: It is, indeed, an impressive haul, my fur-footed friend.
BRADDOX: Well we better be getting to packing. We work high value to low. Gemstones first, then jewellery, then fill out with as much coin as you jam in.
TUOMO: Right!
ABNER: Wise words, my axe-wielding friend. But, may I offer an alternative?
BRADDOX: What is it?
ABNER: As you must surely appreciate, I am an old man, stoop-backed from decades of study. The Staff of Tumult is not merely my weapon but is an aid to my walking. I cannot hope to carry the same amount of bulk as one as mightily-thewed as yourself.
BRADDOX: Thank you very much.
ABNER: Welcome, welcome, my sturdy-headed friend. What I am suggesting is that we should organise our loads so that each of us would carry the same value. I would take the lighter, more valuable items, but you would take the heavier bulk. That way, should we be separated, each will retain his fair share.
HILVI: Plus ten percent for Gloridian tithes.
ABNER: Naturally, naturally.
BRADDOX: [suspiciously] I don’t know, seems like I’m doing more heavy lifting for the same reward.
ABNER: Not disproportionately, I assure you.
BRADDOX: Oh, not disproportionately? I see, I see. Well, I suppose. As long as I don’t have to carry the disproportionates I suppose that’s okay.
TUOMO: I only have this small pack. I could leave some of the cooking utensils out to make room for the treasure. But I’d want my share to compensate for the loss of cookware.
ABNER: [Through gritted teeth]. Cookware. Of course. So all we need to do is calculate the load distribution so that I carry lighter things, Hilvi carries a ten percent bonus for Gloridia, and Tuomo is compensated for the loss of pots.
BRADDOX: And no disproportionates for me.
ABNER: Quite so. Well that seems… simple enough.
HILVI: Let’s start by filling Tuomo’s pack, to see how much he can carry?
BRADDOX: A few of these gemstones…
HILVI: Trinkets and artwork…
ABNER: And finally, coins. How does that feel, Tuomo? Too heavy?
TUOMO: [cautiously] Noooo…
BRADDOX: Good lad. We’ll finish up in here, go get the horses ready.
TUOMO: Can do!
[Beat]
[Another]
BRADDOX: Okay, now he’s gone, can we talk about how ridiculously small his pack is? Even you must be able to carry more than that, Abner.
ABNER: Well, I suppose, if it came to it… particular enchantments could be used to enhance certain physical attributes. Temporarily.
BRADDOX: We will talk about that later.
HILVI: Are you really suggesting we dupe Tuomo out of an even share?
BRADDOX: It’s not really duping. We just loaded him up with enough cash to buy his brother’s stupid pub four times over, even if he melts half of it down to make bloody solid gold pots. It’s just… we’d have more.
HILVI: Ooooooh.
ABNER: Well that seems to settle it, then. Pass me the bag, I’ll start loading up.
HILVI: Yes, I’ll take one too. The sooner we get out of here the better. Gloridia isn’t going to worship herself at evensong.
[Beat]
BRADDOX: I don’t have any bags. I have all these weapons and armour, bags would just interfere with my swing. Don’t you two have bags?
ABNER: Weak, bent-backed… years of study…
HILVI: Forsaking all worldly possessions…
BRADDOX: Even bags?
HILVI: Why would I need bags if I have no worldly possessions?
BRADDOX: Fine. Just… we’ll just use the saddlebags on the horses. Easy.
HILVI: We should have used those in the first place.
BRADDOX: Shut it. Not a word about this to Tuomo, agreed.
HILVI: Agreed.
ABNER: Indubitably.
BRADDOX: [a little removed, shouting after Tuomo] Hey! Tuomo! We’ve had a great idea. Bring the horses around, we’ll use their saddlebags.
[Beat]
BRADDOX: [Still calling from a ways off] Tuomo! Tuomo! Bloody hell. He’s buggered off. And he’s taken the sodding horses.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed that, leave me a comment, and maybe we will revisit this world, or this format, in the future!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.